Book a Family Mediation Consultation: Your First Step Is a Telephone Call

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What booking means here

On many websites, "book" means picking a slot from a calendar and paying a deposit. Here it means something simpler: you ring 0330 010 0028, explain a little about what is going on, and we talk it through together.

There is no online diary to search and no booking reference to wait for in your inbox. The call itself is the starting point. It gives you a chance to hear how mediation works in practice, to say what is worrying you, and to find out whether this is the right kind of help for your family at this moment.

An appointment is only arranged if both sides of the conversation agree it makes sense. We need to be satisfied that mediation is suitable for your situation, and you need to feel comfortable with what has been explained. Sometimes that is clear within a few minutes. Sometimes it takes a second call, or a pause while you speak to someone else first. Either is fine.

It may help to think of the first call as a conversation about whether to have a conversation. You are not signing up to anything by dialling. You are not agreeing to sit in a room with your former partner. You are simply finding out more, from a person rather than a web page, so that whatever you decide next is based on a clearer picture.

People sometimes delay calling because they feel they should have everything worked out first. They wait until they know exactly what they want from the house, or until they have a firm view on which weekends the children should spend where. That is rarely necessary. Much of the value of an early conversation is in helping you sort out which questions are the real ones, and which can wait.

You are not unusual

Who calls us, and why

The people who pick up the phone come from many different starting points. Some have been apart for years and want to revisit an arrangement that no longer fits. Others are still living under the same roof and wondering how to begin. A few of the more common situations are below, though yours does not need to match any of them.

• Separated parents

  Perhaps the current pattern of weekdays and weekends has stopped working because of a new job, a house move or a child starting secondary school, and you want to talk about changing it.

• People not yet separated

  You may still share a home and be trying to work out how a separation might look, from who stays where to how the bills get paid in the meantime.

• Grandparents and wider family

  A grandparent, aunt or older sibling who has lost regular contact with a child, or who wants to keep a valued relationship going, may want to understand what is possible.

• Someone whose ex suggested mediation

  Your former partner may have raised the idea first. You might be curious, sceptical or simply unsure, and want to hear about it from someone neutral before you reply.

• Someone told to consider mediation before court

  A solicitor or adviser may have mentioned looking at mediation before going further. The call can explain what that involves in plain terms, without legal advice.

• Someone unsure what they need

  Many callers are not sure whether mediation is even the right word for what they are looking for. Describing the problem is enough to begin.

Whatever brings you to the phone, you do not need to label your situation correctly or know the right terms. Describe it in everyday words, such as "we keep arguing about the Friday pick-up" or "we cannot agree what to do with the car", and the conversation can go from there.

The conversation itself

How the first call usually unfolds

No two calls are identical, but most follow a loose order. Knowing roughly what to expect can make it easier to pick up the phone, especially if you are anxious or have not spoken to anyone about your situation before.

1. A brief hello

   You will be asked how you would like to be addressed and whether now is a good time to talk. If you are somewhere you cannot speak freely, say so and another time can be suggested.

2. Your situation, in your words

   You explain what is happening and what prompted you to call. There is no set script. You can start with the most recent argument or the bigger picture, whichever feels easier.

3. How mediation works

   You hear, in plain terms, what mediation involves, what a mediator does and does not do, and how decisions stay with the people taking part rather than being made for them.

4. Questions about suitability

   You will be asked some general questions to help judge whether mediation is a safe and sensible option, including whether there are any worries about safety or pressure between you.

5. Possible next steps

   The call ends with a summary of the options open to you. You might arrange a first meeting, take time to think, or be pointed towards a different kind of help.

You can interrupt at any point to ask a question. If something is said that you do not follow, ask for it to be put another way. If you need to stop the call because a child walks in or you start to feel upset, that is completely understandable, and you can ring back when it suits you.

The call is not an interview, and you will not be judged on how well you explain yourself. It is common for people to lose their thread, to cry, or to realise halfway through that the thing they rang about is not quite the thing that matters most. All of that is part of working out where to start.

A little goes a long way

Preparing without over-preparing

You do not need a folder of documents, a timeline of your relationship or a list of grievances. In fact, arriving with too much can make the call harder, because you may feel pressure to get through all of it. A few notes on a single page are usually plenty.

If you only manage one of those, make it the last. A list of your own questions keeps the call focused on what you need to know, rather than on what you think you are supposed to say.

Finding a private moment to call

Where and when you ring can make a real difference. Many people find it hard to talk openly if a child might overhear, or if a former partner is in the next room. Before you call, it is worth thinking about a time and place where you can speak without being interrupted or monitored.

• Choose a time when children are at school, asleep or out with someone else, rather than squeezing the call into a busy teatime.
• A parked car, a quiet room at work or a walk in a park can all work if home does not feel private.
• If you share a phone or a phone bill, consider whether the call might be seen in a call log, and use another phone if that would feel safer.
• Allow yourself some time afterwards. A few minutes to sit quietly before going back into a busy household can help.

Some callers like to have a drink of water nearby, or a friend waiting in another room for afterwards. Small things like that can make the call feel less daunting, particularly if you have been putting it off for a while.

If you start the call and realise it is not a good moment after all, just say so. Ending a call early and ringing back another day is perfectly normal.

Practical arrangements

Choosing a format you can manage

Mediation does not have to mean two people at either side of a table, staring at each other. There are several ways sessions can be set up, and the right one depends on your circumstances, your relationship with the other person and what you can realistically manage alongside work, childcare and everything else.

Same room

Both of you meet together with the mediator. This can work well where you can talk reasonably calmly, even if the subject matter is hard.

Online

Sessions take place over a video call, which can help if you live some distance apart, have limited time or find a shared room difficult. You would need a private space and a reliable connection.

Separate rooms (shuttle)

You and the other person stay apart while the mediator moves between you, carrying proposals and questions back and forth. This can help when being face to face feels too much.

Planned breaks

Some people find long sessions draining. Shorter sessions, or agreed pauses during a session, can make it easier to think clearly.

Support or language needs

If you have a disability, a health condition, hearing or sight needs, or would find it easier to take part in another language, mention it so that possible adjustments can be talked through.

These options are discussed and agreed with you rather than guaranteed in advance. What can be offered depends on your situation, on what is suitable for both people taking part, and on practical matters that are best checked on the call. If a particular format matters to you, raise it early and ask directly whether it is possible.

It is also fine to change your mind. Some people begin with separate rooms and later feel able to sit together. Others start in the same room and find that a different set-up works better for a particularly difficult topic, such as money or where a child will spend Christmas. Formats can be reviewed as things move on.

Money and time

Costs, timing and the questions to ask

Cost is a fair and sensible thing to worry about, particularly when a separation is already putting pressure on household money. This page does not list charges, because the right answer depends on your circumstances and on what is agreed. What we can say is that charges are explained to you before anything is agreed, and you will not be committed to paying for anything simply by making the first call.

The best approach is to ask plainly. Nobody will think less of you for wanting to understand the money side before you go any further. Questions you might want to put on the call include:

• Is there a charge for the first meeting, and what does that meeting cover?
• How are later sessions charged, and is the cost shared between both people or paid separately?
• Is any help with costs available, and how would I find out whether I might qualify?
• What happens to the cost if we need more sessions than expected?
• Is there a charge for writing up any proposals we reach?
• How long does a session usually last, and how many do families tend to need?
• How soon could a first meeting realistically take place?
• What happens if one of us needs to cancel or rearrange?

Timing is just as personal as cost. Some families want to settle one urgent question, such as arrangements for the coming summer holidays, and then pause. Others have several connected decisions about children, the home and money that are easier to look at over a longer period. It is reasonable to ask how the pace can be shaped around your needs, and to say if you are working towards a particular date.

Write the answers down as you go. It is easy to forget details after an emotional conversation, and having them on paper makes it simpler to compare options or talk them over with someone you trust.

When only one of you is calling

If the other person is not ready yet

Very often, only one person makes the first call. The other may not know yet, may have refused, or may simply need more time. That is a common position to be in, and it does not stop you from calling to find out more for yourself.

It is important to be honest about one thing: mediation is voluntary, and nobody can be made to take part. We cannot persuade, pressure or require the other person to join, and it would not be helpful to try. A process that someone has been pushed into is unlikely to lead to arrangements either of you can live with.

If you do plan to mention mediation to the other person, keep it short and practical. Something like "I have spoken to a mediator about how we might sort out the school holidays without arguing; would you be willing to hear more?" usually lands better than a long message about everything that has gone wrong. Leave room for them to say no, or not yet.

If the answer is no for now, that does not close the door for good. Circumstances change. A new school year, a change of job or simply the passing of a few difficult months can make someone more open to talking than they were at first. You can keep what you learned on the call and come back to it when the time feels right.

Your choice

After the call: what you decide next

When the call ends, the next move is yours. You might feel ready to arrange a first meeting straight away. You might want to sleep on it, talk to a friend, or take independent legal or financial advice before going further. You might decide that a different route is better for now. None of these is a wrong answer.

If you do want to go ahead, a first meeting can be discussed and arranged by telephone once both sides are satisfied it is suitable. The details of what happens next, including timings and any charges, will be explained clearly so that you know where you stand.

If you want time, take it. Nothing is held open for you on a clock, and you are free to ring back next week or next month. Some people find it useful to wait until a particular pressure has passed, such as a court date being set, a house sale completing or a child finishing exams, before deciding.

It is also worth remembering that mediation does not give legal advice. A mediator can help you talk through options and reach proposals together, but cannot tell you what is legally best for you. Many people find it helpful to take independent advice alongside mediation, so that they understand their position before agreeing anything.

Common questions

Booking questions