About Our Family Mediation Service: Impartial Support for Families Facing Change

Our work

What we do, in plain terms

We sit with two or more people who need to make decisions about their family and cannot easily make them alone. Our job is to keep those conversations orderly, fair and focused on the choices in front of you, so that you leave with something more useful than another argument.

Most of the people who call us are separating or have already separated. Some are parents trying to work out a weekly pattern for the children. Others are sorting out the home, the savings, the car, or who pays which bill while the bigger questions are settled. A smaller number are grandparents, adult siblings or step-parents who want to talk through contact, care for an older relative, or a family business that has become a source of strain.

In practice, a session looks less dramatic than people expect. There is a table, or a video call, and a short list of topics that everyone has agreed to cover. One person speaks while the other listens, then the roles swap. We summarise what we have heard, check we have it right, and ask questions that move things along: "What would Tuesday look like under that plan?" or "If the car stays with one of you, what happens about the school run on wet days?"

We do not hand down answers. We help you find out which answers you can both accept, and we write those down clearly so nobody has to rely on memory later. Where a conversation needs information that neither of you has, such as a valuation, a pension figure or legal advice, we say so and suggest you get it before going further.

Take a typical example. Two parents have separated over the summer. One has moved into a flat ten minutes away, the children are still at the family home, and every evening ends in a tense exchange of messages about who is collecting whom. Neither wants a battle. Both want the children settled before the autumn term. In a first joint session, we might agree to focus on just three things: the weekly pattern, how handovers will work, and how the parents will message each other in the meantime. The house and the finances can wait for a later session, once the day-to-day pressure has eased.

That kind of narrowing is a large part of what we offer. When everything feels urgent, it is hard to make progress on anything. Choosing one or two decisions to tackle first, and leaving the rest on a list for later, often brings the temperature down enough for people to think clearly again.

Every enquiry begins with a telephone call. You can ring, describe your situation in your own words and ask whatever you need to ask before deciding anything. Questions about charges, formats or timing are best raised on that call, because the answers depend on your circumstances.

Context

Where mediation sits among your options

Mediation is one route among several. It helps to see it alongside the others, because each has a place and none is right for every family. The comparison below is general. It is not legal advice, and a solicitor can tell you how these routes apply to your own situation.

Talking it through alone

Two people sit down, perhaps at the kitchen table, and work things out between themselves. It costs nothing and keeps everything private. It works well when communication is reasonably calm and both people feel able to say what they think. It tends to struggle when one person feels talked over, when the same disagreement keeps returning, or when nobody writes down what was agreed.

Mediation

The same people make the decisions, but an impartial third person runs the conversation. The mediator sets an agenda, keeps the pace manageable and makes sure both voices are heard. Proposals come from the participants. Any outcome is written down as a summary of what was discussed and agreed, and either person can take it to an adviser before relying on it.

Negotiation through solicitors

Each person instructs their own solicitor, who puts forward proposals and responds on their behalf. You gain someone whose job is to advise and protect your position. The trade-off is often less direct control over tone and timing, and exchanges that can take longer because they pass through more hands.

A court application

A judge or magistrate makes a decision when the people involved cannot. This can be necessary, particularly where there are safety concerns or one person will not engage at all. It also means a stranger decides matters about your family, on a timetable you do not control.

These routes are not sealed off from one another. Plenty of people take legal advice alongside mediation. Some settle most issues in mediation and leave one point for their solicitors. Others try mediation, find it is not working, and move to a different route without losing anything they learned along the way.

If you are unsure which route fits, that uncertainty is a perfectly good reason to call. We can describe how mediation works, and you can weigh it against what a solicitor tells you. Nobody expects you to know the answer before you pick up the phone, and asking a question does not commit you to anything.

How we work

The principles we work to

Five working principles shape how we run every conversation. They are not slogans. Each one changes what we actually do in the room.

• Impartial

  We have no stake in the outcome. If we notice that one of you is getting more airtime, or that a question has been aimed at one person more than the other, we correct it. We will not tell either of you that you are being unreasonable.

• Voluntary

  Nobody is made to stay. You can ask for a break, end a session early or decide not to continue. Pausing is not failure, and it does not stop you using another route later.

• Confidential within limits

  What is said in mediation is normally kept private. There are limits, and we explain them before anything starts. The most important is that if we learn of a risk of serious harm to a child or an adult, we may need to act on it.

• Informed

  Decisions are only as good as the information behind them. We encourage both of you to share relevant facts openly and to take independent advice where it would help, before anything is settled.

• Child-aware

  Children are rarely in the room, but their lives are on the table. We keep asking how a proposal would feel from their side, not just whether it is fair between the adults.

Being honest about confidentiality

People often assume that anything said in mediation can never be repeated anywhere. The reality is more nuanced, and we would rather you heard it from us at the start. Confidentiality protects the space for honest discussion, but it cannot protect someone who is at risk. If something said suggests that a child or an adult may be harmed, we may have to stop the session and take appropriate steps. Factual information, such as financial figures disclosed so that you can make decisions, may also be treated differently from the general discussion. We explain how this works in practice before your first joint session, and you are welcome to ask questions about it on the initial call.

Responsibilities

Who holds which part of the process

Confusion about roles causes a surprising amount of frustration. One person expects the mediator to tell the other that a proposal is unfair. Another expects a legal view on what a court would do. Being clear about who holds what keeps the process honest and stops anyone feeling let down.

Roughly speaking, we hold the structure, the pace and the balance of the conversation. You hold your priorities, your proposals and your decisions. Independent advisers, such as solicitors or financial specialists, hold the legal and financial advice that neither of us can give you.

You may notice that the second list matters as much as the first. People sometimes find it reassuring to hear that nobody will be pushed into an agreement. Others are disappointed at first that we will not simply tell the other person they are wrong. In our experience, the arrangements that last are the ones both people built and both people can explain.

Children

Keeping children's everyday lives in view

When adults disagree, the conversation can drift towards principles: fairness, equal time, who did more. Those things matter, but a child experiences an arrangement as a series of ordinary days. We bring the discussion back to those days, one at a time, and ask how each proposal would actually feel to live through.

The practical questions that shape a week

A plan that looks balanced on paper can fall apart on a Wednesday morning. So we ask detailed questions. Who does the school run on the days when one parent starts work at seven? Where does the PE kit live, and who remembers to wash it? If handover happens at a parent's home, is that a calm moment for the children or a tense one on the doorstep? Would handing over at the school gate, or at a grandparent's house, take some of the heat out of it?

Birthdays and festivals often need a conversation of their own. Some families alternate years. Others split the day, or keep a birthday with the parent the child is staying with and arrange a second celebration at the other home. Holiday weeks, half-terms and travel abroad raise their own practical points, such as passports, notice periods and how the children stay in touch with the parent they are not with.

Different ages, different needs

Younger children usually rely on predictable routines. A toddler's nap, a regular bedtime and a familiar comfort toy that travels between homes can matter more than the exact number of nights in each house. Short, frequent time with each parent often suits very young children better than long gaps, though every family is different.

Teenagers are a different matter. A fifteen-year-old with a Saturday job, weekend football and exams may want a say in where they spend their time, and may resent a rigid timetable designed without them. We talk with parents about how a teenager's view can be heard in a way that does not place the young person in the middle or make them choose between parents. Sometimes that means parents agreeing to have a calm conversation with their teenager together. In some situations, and only where it is suitable and everyone agrees, a young person's views can be heard more directly. We can explain on the call what that might involve.

Keeping children out of the adult argument

Children pick up more than adults realise. Messages passed through them, questions about what the other parent said, or arguments overheard at handovers can weigh heavily. Part of our work is helping parents agree how they will communicate with each other, whether that is a shared calendar, a weekly message or a short notebook that travels with the children, so that the children do not have to carry it.

Suitability

When mediation is not the right step

Mediation works best when both people can speak freely and safely. That is not always the case, and pretending otherwise would do real harm. Before any joint conversation, we ask questions about safety and suitability, and we keep checking as things go on.

There are situations where mediation may be unsuitable, or may need to be adapted. These include a history of domestic abuse or coercive control, fears about a child's safety, one person feeling too intimidated to disagree, or serious difficulties caused by addiction or mental health that make a fair conversation hard. We look at each situation on its own terms rather than applying a fixed checklist, and we will be honest if we think another route would serve you better.

Three possible outcomes of a suitability check

The first is that mediation goes ahead in the usual way. The second is that it goes ahead in an adapted form. That might mean the two of you sit in separate rooms while we move between you, sessions held online from different locations, staggered arrival and departure times, shorter sessions with more breaks, or a supporter or interpreter being involved where appropriate. The third is that we pause, or recommend not starting at all, and talk with you about other routes such as taking legal advice, seeking specialist support or, where needed, a court application.

Pausing can feel like a setback. Often it is the most sensible decision available. A break of a few weeks while someone gets advice, or while the dust settles after a house move, can make later conversations far more productive. And deciding mediation is not for you does not close any other door.

Over time

How progress usually builds

Few families resolve everything in one conversation. Progress tends to come in stages, each one making the next a little easier. The pattern below is typical rather than fixed. Some families move through it quickly, others return to an earlier stage when circumstances change, and that is entirely normal.

1. Understand

   We start by finding out what each person needs to decide, what worries them most and what information is available. For one couple, the urgent question is which parent has the children over the coming fortnight. For another, it is whether the family home can be kept.

2. Explore

   Next comes a wider look at possibilities. We encourage ideas without anyone having to commit to them yet. Could the children stay in the house while the parents rotate? Could the car be sold and the money split, or kept by whoever does more driving? Listing options often shows there are more than two.

3. Test

   Promising ideas are then tested against real life. What happens when someone is ill, works late or moves job? Some families try an arrangement for a few weeks before agreeing it, then come back to adjust what did not work.

4. Record

   Finally, the proposals you have reached are written down in clear language. You can each take that summary to an independent adviser before relying on it, and you can return to mediation later if circumstances change.

Sometimes the most useful outcome is partial. You might agree the weekly pattern for the children but still need help with the finances. Narrowing the gap, even without closing it, can save time, stress and expense later, whatever route you take next.

Communication

How we speak and write

Family decisions are hard enough without jargon on top. We use ordinary words, short sentences and examples drawn from your own situation. If a term is unavoidable, we explain it the first time it comes up. If something we said was unclear, we would much rather you stopped us and asked than nodded along.

The same applies to anything written down. A summary should tell you who agreed what, from when, and what happens if plans change. It should not leave you guessing about what "reasonable contact" or "flexible arrangements" means on an actual Friday. Where you would find a different format easier, such as larger print, a simpler layout or extra time to read before a session, please mention it on the call. Language support can also be discussed where it would help you take part fully.

Questions

Questions people ask about us